Is This The End?
by Python Chick
Summary: Buffy's POV. The Scoobies die in a series of horrible accidents and Buffy, blaming herself, is left to cope with her guilt and depression. This has no spoken dialogue and it's my first attempt at it. B/A. Please R/R.
1. Part One

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: April 7, 2001  
  
~~ Is This The End? ~~  
  
I can't believe this happened to us. I always thought, "I'm the Slayer, my friends will be safe because I can fight anything that tries to hurt them." Boy, was I wrong. It all started just a short week ago.  
  
Spike's Robo-Me actually helped me kill Glory. Or more accurately, she tried to suck its brain out, thinking it was me, and electrocuted herself, leaving the robot's programming fried. After Glory was weakened, I began attacking with every ounce of strength I had, using a blessed sword. Though I don't remember how she died exactly, I do remember the fact that she suddenly left and then Ben was there saying goodbye, covered in blood. I asked him what happened but he didn't know; he told me that he knew Dawn was safe from Glory. The bloodied sword in my hands, I realized, was the object that killed him.  
  
Spike skipped town after learning indirectly that his Buffybot didn't survive Glory's onslaught. No big surprise there. I guess he found her mangled body sitting in his armchair, where I left her, with a note: "Thanks for lending me myself."  
  
Sure Dawn was safe, until she crossed the street to the Magic Box without noticing the car barreling down the road until it was too late. She died on the way to the hospital in the ambulance. Vampire, demons, space monsters; I can handle them...but a drunk driver? That's one of the few things that actually scare me anymore.  
  
Xander was taken when he accompanied me on a regular vamp patrol. We got separated in the cemetery when two vamps split up. I went after one, Xander after the other. We got them both, but not before one got Xander. I found him sitting against a headstone with a couple of chest and stomach wounds. I carefully helped him up and drove him to the hospital but he'd been hurt too badly and died in his sleep about an hour later.  
  
Anya was distraught over Xander's death more than she was when my Mom died. She called me a couple of nights later, crying uncontrollably and saying how lonely she was and how she couldn't take it anymore. I tried to talk her out of what she was thinking, but I realized it was too late when her voice slurred and the phone hit the floor. She'd already done something drastic before calling me. I ran over to Xander's as fast as I could but she was already dead lying in his bed, hugging some of his clothes, having overdosed on sleeping pills and alcohol. She had no breath and no pulse so I tried to revive her but when the ambulance arrived, they said it was too late. The whole scene reminded me of my mother's death.  
  
Willow and Tara were possessed during a spell they promised me was "simpler than simple." They wanted to contact Xander like they did with the ghosts of the orphaned children in Riley's dorm. They showed me the spell and told me what it would do so I wouldn't worry and then I left their dorm room promising them I'd meet them at the Bronze later. Well, they showed up, but they weren't themselves. Outside, they tried to kill me and use spells against me, but I successfully knocked them out and drove them to Giles'. I told him about the spell that they had tried and he quickly found it and told me that, sometimes, the spell-caster would fall into a trance and a demon spirit could possibly inhabit their body. We were able to undo the lock that the spirits had on their bodies but the damage had been done. Willow and Tara never woke up.  
  
As for Giles, the sudden loss of the Scooby Gang destroyed him emotionally and mentally and he withdrew from life. He wouldn't talk to me and when he did, he talked to me as if I was Ms. Calendar. I hated leaving him in the hospital, but it was best for him. He could get help from people who knew what they were doing. I went to visit him the next day but he had supposedly lashed out at one of the nurses then locked himself in a closet and slit his throat. I had to break the door open for them but when I saw Giles lying there, I left in tears.  
  
My life was lonely and meaningless and when I began thinking of suicide, I went to my doctor. He prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping pills but they didn't help. I blamed myself for each of their deaths since it was I who had held the sword that killed Ben; it was I who had told Dawn to come to the Magic Box that day; it was I who had let Xander come patrolling with me; it was I who couldn't get to Anya in time; it was I who let Willow and Tara perform that stupid spell; and it was I who admitted Giles to the psychiatric ward. I did this to my friends in one short week. How could I have been their friend if I was the one that killed them?  
  
So here I am, strangely enough, getting the life sucked out of me by a vampire. I paid him to do it. I'm such a hypocrite, telling Riley that he could've died by letting them suck his blood then turning around and doing it myself. At least it's not in an old warehouse like the one I found Riley in. No, I'm in Spike's crypt. He's the only one who didn't die because of me but he left because he was afraid I'd kill him. Sort of ironic, isn't it? Yet it doesn't seem to matter now. I paid the vamp to kill me and he agreed. He's lying on top of me, pinning me to the floor as if I'm going to change my mind and try to throw him off. Tears seep from my closed eyes and I weep silently as I prepare to die.  



	2. Part Two

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: April 7, 2001  
  
~~ Is This The End? ~~  
  
Suddenly his weight disappears and I feel dust falling on my face and chest. Opening my eyes, I see someone standing above me holding a stake. I can't see straight because I'm so weak and tired plus it's really dark. He hands me my shirt, which was removed when the vampire first began his dinner. I quickly pull it on and it begins to soak up the blood still escaping from the numerous bite wounds adorning my upper body. I stare at the red puddles slowly growing across the white fabric. I look up at the man who saved me...then I pass out.  
  
I wake up in a bed of...silk, my skin registers. It is still dark outside so I must not have been out long. My eyes search the surroundings. It's a regular bedroom except for the few pictures and drawings of me on one of the walls. Spike? He saved me last night? He brought me here and changed me out of my bloody clothes and into this nightgown I'm wearing? Sitting up, I feel much better than I did a while ago, except hungrier. Sliding out of the bed I walk towards the closed door and open it. There are hushed voices in the dark hallway.  
  
I head out into the hallway, Slayer senses on full alert. Just because Spike saved me from a vampire, doesn't mean he has the best intentions. He could have gotten back together with Dru or gotten the chip out and now he wants to dine on Slayer blood. I carefully and quietly approach a light at the end of the hall. Stairs leading down into what looks like a lobby. There's a light on at the receptionist desk and whispers coming from behind it. I make my way down the stairs stepping lightly so they don't creak. I'm almost at the bottom when the last one does. With the way my life has headed it figures it would happen. At the sound, the voices stop suddenly.  
  
There's a small shuffling sound and light footsteps on the linoleum as Cordelia walks toward me. Cordelia's here? She greets me with a plastic smile and says something about how I sleep worse than Angel used to. My heart flutters. Angel saved me. At least his intentions are good ones.  
  
Wesley walks up behind her with a smile...a warm, welcoming smile and offers me tea and coffee. I ask for coffee sounding slightly confused. Cordelia nods and walks off, getting the coffee, I suppose. Wesley explains that the lobby I'm standing in is their new office. Angel never told me he moved...  
  
Cordelia brings me some coffee. It doesn't have any milk or sugar in it, but I don't feel up to arguing with Cordy. I decide to wait upstairs and Wesley offers their assistance should I need anything.  
  
I give my thanks and return up to the room I woke up in, probably Angel's, and sit on the bed sipping my coffee. I look around the room more and see my clothes washed and folded on the desk. A guy that does laundry? That's it, I'm not letting him leave me this time.  
  
When the coffee's gone, I decide to have a shower. I'm sure Angel won't mind. The warm water falls down my face and body, relaxing my muscles as I cleanse my body from the vamp I let bite me.  
  
I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself. Looking into the mirror I notice I've nearly scrubbed my skin off. Red patches cover my arms and legs and the bites are still visible on my neck, never mind the ones under the towel. Tears spring to my eyes. Why aren't I dead? I deserve to be. I let my friends and family down when I could have saved them. I sob quietly and lean against the counter.  
  
After a couple minutes of crying, I look up in the mirror. My eyes are red and swollen, my lips dry and cracked, and my skin irritated and tender. I see a shaving razor on the counter and pick it up. It's probably Angel's although I'm not sure if he even needs to shave, being a vampire and all, but that's not important right now. Making the pain stop is. I lift the razor to my wrist and bring it down on my skin.  



	3. Part Three

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: April 7, 2001  
  
~~ Is This The End? ~~  
  
There's a sudden knock at the door and I hear Angel's voice calling my name. I look down at my hand holding the razor. I feel disgusted with myself. Here I am, in Angel's bathroom, about to slit my wrists. I don't want him to find me like this. He calls again; sounding more worried and tries to turn the doorknob.  
  
Dropping the razor, I open the door and I throw myself into his arms, tears returning to my tired eyes. I whisper apologies as I begin to cry and beg him not to leave me.  
  
He hugs me and pulls me toward the bed. We sit down on the edge and he has an arm around my shoulder, holding me close to him. He coaxes me gently to tell him what happened in Sunnydale after I stop crying.  
  
I explain how everybody left me because I couldn't help them in time. He's not sure what I mean by 'left' so I tell him that everyone died because of me.  
  
I tell him how I was upset with Dawn because she had borrowed my shirt the day before and spilled ketchup on it. I had told her to come to the shop. She was hit on the way.  
  
Angel hugs me closer telling me it wasn't my fault and I didn't know it was going to happen. I continue on to tell him about Xander, Anya, Tara, Willow, and Giles, how I could've helped them.  
  
I tell him how I could've stopped Xander from patrolling with me, which would have saved Anya from her depression as well. I know Angel doesn't understand the whole story, but I continue anyway. I tell him how Willow and Tara wouldn't have been possessed if I'd convinced them that the spell was dangerous and how if they had lived, so would have Giles.  
  
He asks why I tried to kill myself and I explain how I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted the pain to be over. How I didn't want to be a Slayer anymore. I had nothing to live for, no one was left. Angel asks about himself, feeling slightly hurt I guess.  
  
I tell him that it was the worst part of all. I wanted to come here and see him, but I thought he'd turn me away. I tell him that I don't know what made him save me and bring me here and that I should go.  
  
He insists that he won't let me go. I smile slightly. The first real smile in a long time. He's always been so stubborn. I tell him I have to and stand up. I confess to him that I still love him, but we can't be together and I don't want to interfere with his life here. This time it's my turn to decide.  
  
He says his life needs interference and that he won't let me leave in my fragile condition, or in the towel I'm still wearing.  
  
I ask him what I'm supposed to do, pointedly ignoring his joke. I can't live with 'what if' thoughts.  
  
He promises me I'll get through it and that he'll help me like I helped him.  
  
I look down at him looking up at me. My eyes scan the room and land on a mirror. I stand quietly and look at myself in the towel, my hair dripping onto the carpet, my red skin slowly trying to heal itself, while Angel sits on the bed. I whisper his name in disbelief. He looks over in the mirror and realizes I can see his reflection. I look back at him as he stands up and takes my hands in his. I pull one from his grip and rest it over his heart. The hypnotic thumping makes me smile and I look in his eyes for answers.  
  
He tells me he's been alive for the past two weeks but didn't want to interrupt my life. He says he wanted to call but chickened out while dialing my number.  
  
I ask if that's why he came back to Sunnydale...came back for me.  
  
He explains how Cordelia had a vision of me and he came to get me. He would have found me sooner if he hadn't had to check every crypt in the cemetery.  
  
I step into his arms and hug him again, telling him how much I love him.  
  
He echoes my confession and I lean up to kiss him. He puts his hands around my back. I haven't been hugged or held in a week and it's so...comforting, especially because it's Angel.  
  
He pulls away from me and rests his forehead against mine, expressing how glad he is that I'm safe with a smile. I smile back briefly, then continue to kiss him. I successfully bring his shirt over his head without breaking the kiss for more than three seconds. Angel steps away from me as my hands start to explore his muscled chest and back. He says my name, panting slightly, and tells me this isn't what I need.  
  
I tell him it is. I need him to help me forget the pain and guilt for a while. I step toward him again and he takes equal steps back, suggesting we should get something to eat. My heart is crushed. Doesn't Angel want me as much as I want him? He asks me if I'm hungry and I nod blindly.  
  
I slip on the nightgown as Angel puts his shirt back on. My hair is still wet and I begin to shiver. Angel notices and hands me a shirt out of his closet to wear. It's black, of course, and I gladly accept it, mainly because it smells like him.  
  
We head downstairs and into the kitchen. It's pretty big, but then again, it is a hotel. Angel opens the fridge and takes out a variety of things to eat, offering to make me whatever I want. I tell him I'll have whatever he's having so he makes us sandwiches and salad, then we return to his room and eat while sitting on the bed. Well, Angel eats; I slowly pick away at my food while I watch him. He's the one thing left in my life. He's alive, he loves me, and he also carries his guilt on his broad shoulders. He'll help me through this. I know he will. But can I help myself?  



	4. Part Four

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: April 7, 2001  
  
~~ Is This The End? ~~  
  
Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia, and Angel have helped me a lot in the past two weeks...especially Angel. He encourages me to talk to him about anything and everything because he's scared that I'll do something to hurt myself again. I sleep in a room adjacent to his with an adjoining door, which he leaves open all the time because one night I was in the bath when he came to talk to me and had to wrestle a hairdryer out of my hands. He left the bathroom with the appliance and lay on his bed.  
  
After a few minutes, I went out to talk to him but he was extremely quiet so I just lay down with my back against his chest. I told him I was sorry and he wrapped his arms around me until I fell asleep. The next day I promised Angel, and myself, that I couldn't let it go that far ever again. Not because I knew suicide was wrong, but because I didn't want to hurt him. Each night following that one he stayed with me until I fell asleep, sometimes waking up beside him. Knowing he hadn't left me was the best feeling in the world.  
  
Angel acted different around me and I felt like a child around him. He was always asking what I was thinking if I wasn't talking. Whenever we entered a room, he'd look around as if to check if it was safeguarded.  
  
I tried to leave a couple times because I felt like I was a burden in Angel's life. Whenever I tried to get close to him physically, he would tell me I wasn't ready for it yet. But I really think that he wasn't ready to deal with me yet. When I'd finally had enough of his rejections, I packed up a suitcase and started walking to the bus station with what was left in my bank account. He found me a couple blocks down the street and took me back to the hotel. Again he was completely silent. I explained to him that he didn't need to look after me like I was a child. I had to deal with my own problems. He remained quiet until we got home, then asked Cordelia and Wesley to keep an eye on me while he went to his room for a while. I explained to Wes and Cordy that that was why I ran away in the first place. I caused them too much pain.  
  
The second time I tried to run away, Angel forced me to see a psychiatrist, but how could I tell her how my friends had died? From vampire attacks? Demonic possession? She'd put me in the nuthouse for sure. Angel told me that she wasn't a stranger to the paranormal and often counseled other victims of supernatural attacks. She suggested that I go back to Sunnydale and visit their grave sites to say goodbye and whatever else I might want to say, like "I'm sorry". She also prescribed stronger anti-depressants and they helped more than the last ones did. I still see her once a week and she says I'm making "real progress". I just want the pain to go away, but I know that killing myself won't help heal it, it will just cause more pain to Angel, Cordy, Wes and Gunn.  
  
Angel accompanied me to Sunnydale to say goodbye to 'the Scoobies'. I visited and left flowers for each of them after telling their tombstones how sorry I was that I couldn't save them. When I got to Dawn's I began to hyperventilate and Angel had to pull me away. I slept most of the way back to LA but I later noticed that saying goodbye to them helped slightly.  
  
~~ One month later ~~  
  
I'm getting back to being more Buffy and less broody. Cordelia and I can stand being around each other for more than five minutes and Angel and I are getting along better...we're getting closer too. He hugs me all the time and it makes me feel so much better, like we're getting closer to a relationship. He often trains with me to keep my skills sharp and although Wesley and Gunn help me train too, I always feel like they're holding back because they don't want to hurt me. Angel knows what I can and can't handle and as much as I would have denied it two weeks ago, he really knows me, and knows what's best for me.  
  
I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist weekly and the visits are scheduled to once a month. She suggested that I stop taking the anti-depressants to see how I feel. I must say I feel a lot better, but it still hurts. I know that it will always hurt but the heavy guilt feeling is mostly gone.  
  
One night I overhead Cordelia talking about setting Angel up with one of her friends, Paula Something-Or-Other. Angel really didn't want to go but Cordelia insisted the he should go and get away from "Baby-Buffy" as she had called me. Paula showed up and Angel had no choice but to take her out. I was miserable the whole night. Cordy acted as if it was his choice to go out with this girl. I don't know why she said that, probably just to make me feel insignificant. Well it worked. I stayed in my room the whole night reading in bed, well, trying to read. When Angel came home, I pretended to be asleep. He put my book away, turned off my light, and lay down beside me. I could smell her perfume on him and tried my best not to cry.  
  
The next day I acted indifferent toward Angel. I was friendly, but not girlfriendly. He noticed immediately, I guess it was when he hugged me from behind in the morning and I didn't respond like I usually do, which is turning around to face him and hug him back, maybe even a quick kiss. Throughout the day I was torn between asking him how his date went and avoiding eye contact altogether. That night he asked me what was wrong. I brushed it off with a quick 'nothing' but he didn't believe me. Angel knew what I was thinking and he reassured me that he wasn't interested in Paula whatsoever but she thought differently and tried to kiss him. Of course he wouldn't let her. He told me that he wanted to wait for me to get better. That I was all he wanted. I kissed him deeply and he returned it with just as much hunger as mine. It was our first truly intimate contact in over a month.  
  
We've been taking it slowly even though I'm a whole lot better than I was. Now that I no longer need medication, I need Angel, Cordy, Gunn, and Wes more. They're my co-workers, friends, and family. I still miss the Scoobies, but I know that they're happy that I'm able to get on with my life, wherever they are.  



End file.
